Life is interesting. I wrote not long ago that change is in the air -- I can feel it, I can almost touch it. I don't know what it will be, but it is coming.
Maybe it's just a part of the preparation, but I feel lately like there are some ghosts I have to deal with. To exorcise. I was speaking with a pastor from Nairobi, Kenya, who was just visiting Baltimore for a few days last week. He said he felt like a lot of the sudden violence they're experiencing along ethnic lines was something that had to be released, like there was too much pressure and the top had to come off, and he predicted that people would be able to move on relatively quickly. Perhaps it's a silly connection for me to make, but the word "exorcism" is what comes to mind in both cases.
I've read a few books on healing and spiritual warfare but I can't say I understand much about it or even deeply believe, although I know I should. In countries all around the world, people experience the spiritual realm in a very physical way, they witness healings regularly, and yet I am confined to my western rational mind that reduces everything to neurotransmitters. I want to see the truth, I want to know the truth. I want to be set free from the demons that haunt me. I want to fight, to stand up and fight.
I'm reminded of the Caedmon's Call song, The Lord is a Warrior. The words are comforting to me. He is mighty in battle, He is mighty to save. And a battle it is.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Happy Fracking New Year
Richard got me watching Battlestar Gallactica this Christmas. I'm officially a fan. I'm officially compulsively addicted. Add that to the list.
So I now have to update my profile to say "just turned 31," and I should probably also confess to giving away our very fat tabby cat.
Today I passed the homeless man I always pass on my way to or from work. He didn't make eye contact for more than a fraction of a second, and he waved in a dismissive, uninterested way. It was sad, it made my heart hurt. He didn't feel like putting on a smile or nodding his head or pretending like we had some special connection because we saw each other from time to time on Baltimore Street just 4 blocks from the Inner Harbor in front of an abandoned field where he'd built a makeshift fort out of cardboard and old folding chairs and scraps of clothing. Tonight was cold. There was a long line out in front of the shelter/soup kitchen across the street, he didn't seem interested in standing in the line. I wonder, what is the right thing to do?
This weekend I was singing at church -- I was asked at the last minute because two vocalists had to cancel. I always enjoy being on the worship team. This time, I was on with a drummer I've known for a few years now. He's about 26, really sweet guy, very sincere, loves to drum. He used to be part of this Christian boy-band that was popular at our church and has moved onto Nashville (but this drummer stayed behind). He has always seemed a little sad, a little bit like he's wandering and feels like there's something else he should be doing. He seems to truly love God and to love people. He's the sort of person that makes you feel welcome, that makes you feel good. In September, he broke his back. I don't remember the whole story of how it happened, but he had surgery to fuse his spine back together. The pain hasn't gone away -- he walks with a cane, carefully, slowly, he is gentle when sitting down and standing up. He grimaces in pain. It breaks my heart. So this weekend was his first weekend back on the team since the accident, and it was hard. He looks remarkably at peace when he's playing the drums and he plays them perfectly, but it takes all the energy he has and the pain must be almost unbearable after each service. I didn't think he'd make it all the way through the 4 weekend services (and his doctor had advised against it), but he did. He felt he had to, to prove that he could do it, that perhaps all hope was not gone and perhaps God would see that He really needed to heal him. Perhaps God would work a miracle.
This week at work is difficult. I don't feel like I have the skills or the patience or the wisdom to make our partnerships successful. I feel unworthy. I feel frustrated with our organization for its chaos and dysfunction and petty arguments. I was directed to Psalm 77 this morning, instructing me to remember God's work and God's deeds, to remember He is a God who performs miracles. I am unworthy. We are dysfunctional. I don't have what it takes to make everything work. But I remember God and all that He is and does and will do. May this be a year of miracles.
So I now have to update my profile to say "just turned 31," and I should probably also confess to giving away our very fat tabby cat.
Today I passed the homeless man I always pass on my way to or from work. He didn't make eye contact for more than a fraction of a second, and he waved in a dismissive, uninterested way. It was sad, it made my heart hurt. He didn't feel like putting on a smile or nodding his head or pretending like we had some special connection because we saw each other from time to time on Baltimore Street just 4 blocks from the Inner Harbor in front of an abandoned field where he'd built a makeshift fort out of cardboard and old folding chairs and scraps of clothing. Tonight was cold. There was a long line out in front of the shelter/soup kitchen across the street, he didn't seem interested in standing in the line. I wonder, what is the right thing to do?
This weekend I was singing at church -- I was asked at the last minute because two vocalists had to cancel. I always enjoy being on the worship team. This time, I was on with a drummer I've known for a few years now. He's about 26, really sweet guy, very sincere, loves to drum. He used to be part of this Christian boy-band that was popular at our church and has moved onto Nashville (but this drummer stayed behind). He has always seemed a little sad, a little bit like he's wandering and feels like there's something else he should be doing. He seems to truly love God and to love people. He's the sort of person that makes you feel welcome, that makes you feel good. In September, he broke his back. I don't remember the whole story of how it happened, but he had surgery to fuse his spine back together. The pain hasn't gone away -- he walks with a cane, carefully, slowly, he is gentle when sitting down and standing up. He grimaces in pain. It breaks my heart. So this weekend was his first weekend back on the team since the accident, and it was hard. He looks remarkably at peace when he's playing the drums and he plays them perfectly, but it takes all the energy he has and the pain must be almost unbearable after each service. I didn't think he'd make it all the way through the 4 weekend services (and his doctor had advised against it), but he did. He felt he had to, to prove that he could do it, that perhaps all hope was not gone and perhaps God would see that He really needed to heal him. Perhaps God would work a miracle.
This week at work is difficult. I don't feel like I have the skills or the patience or the wisdom to make our partnerships successful. I feel unworthy. I feel frustrated with our organization for its chaos and dysfunction and petty arguments. I was directed to Psalm 77 this morning, instructing me to remember God's work and God's deeds, to remember He is a God who performs miracles. I am unworthy. We are dysfunctional. I don't have what it takes to make everything work. But I remember God and all that He is and does and will do. May this be a year of miracles.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Week in Winnipeg
There's something that feels so right about being surrounded by mounds of snow at Christmas time. We are virtually buried here and it is cozy and cold and comforting. The temperature has been quite mild, all things considered, and although that is probably the fault of global warming, I'm enjoying it.
Richard and I have carelessly spent the last six days in no rush to do anything more strenuous than watch Battlestar Gallactica, breaking up our days with short walks or card games or visits to friends' homes. Two things have marked our time here: food and family. Both available in abundance, both more than I feel I can handle at times, both I've been tremendously grateful for. There is love and joy here, and much laughter. There is history. We are blessed.
In an hour or so we will go to church, the same church in which Richard grew up. But first, of course, a meal...
Richard and I have carelessly spent the last six days in no rush to do anything more strenuous than watch Battlestar Gallactica, breaking up our days with short walks or card games or visits to friends' homes. Two things have marked our time here: food and family. Both available in abundance, both more than I feel I can handle at times, both I've been tremendously grateful for. There is love and joy here, and much laughter. There is history. We are blessed.
In an hour or so we will go to church, the same church in which Richard grew up. But first, of course, a meal...
Monday, December 24, 2007
Five Degrees
That's the temperature outside. Five degrees. Farenheit. Welcome to Winnipeg.
I am a bad blogger, I know. It's been ages since my last post. I realize that my posting style, like my style of communicating generally, is to only post things that I've thought through somewhat. Or to post about things that I don't ever expect to figure out. I don't really enjoy writing about things that I am wavering about, going back and forth on, changing my mind about every other day but ultimately feel like I eventually have to know the answer. Or eventually I at least have to choose something. And right now, with my life, as I ponder the future, I seem to be stuck in the position: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. And yes, of course I know there's probably not one right answer, not one path to take, no one decision that will make my life either a Success or a Dismal Failure. But my black-and-white mind categorizes things in this way. So my silence online is matched by the opposite in my head -- endless chatter, noise, thinking, playing out different scenarios. Something is coming, a change is coming, but What Exactly?
Maybe the cold air will clear my head of the noise...
I am a bad blogger, I know. It's been ages since my last post. I realize that my posting style, like my style of communicating generally, is to only post things that I've thought through somewhat. Or to post about things that I don't ever expect to figure out. I don't really enjoy writing about things that I am wavering about, going back and forth on, changing my mind about every other day but ultimately feel like I eventually have to know the answer. Or eventually I at least have to choose something. And right now, with my life, as I ponder the future, I seem to be stuck in the position: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. And yes, of course I know there's probably not one right answer, not one path to take, no one decision that will make my life either a Success or a Dismal Failure. But my black-and-white mind categorizes things in this way. So my silence online is matched by the opposite in my head -- endless chatter, noise, thinking, playing out different scenarios. Something is coming, a change is coming, but What Exactly?
Maybe the cold air will clear my head of the noise...
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Prayer for the day
Note: This post is more for me than for you. Feel free not to read it. I won't be offended.
Is it wrong to title a post "prayer for the day" when it's Sunday and I'm skipping church? I have a headache but what else is new? I should be on my way to church in 10 minutes. But I am staying home. Nevertheless, I will trust that God will hear my prayer.
I have a list of things to do over the next few days, and my pragmatic prayer is that I would actually do them rather than sit around doing worthless and/or self-destructive things. I pray that I would choose life this day rather than a shadow of life. I pray for God's peace and pacing. I pray for God to hold me up so I do not fall into self-pity or talk myself into believing it is all futile. I pray for the Holy Spirit to breathe energy and hope and joy into my day so that I can go to sleep tonight and not wake up with a headache because I've been grinding my teeth. I pray that Jesus would walk with me and help me to put one foot in front of the other as I seek out the path of life and God's will.
So, back to the pragmatic...On my list:
Is it wrong to title a post "prayer for the day" when it's Sunday and I'm skipping church? I have a headache but what else is new? I should be on my way to church in 10 minutes. But I am staying home. Nevertheless, I will trust that God will hear my prayer.
I have a list of things to do over the next few days, and my pragmatic prayer is that I would actually do them rather than sit around doing worthless and/or self-destructive things. I pray that I would choose life this day rather than a shadow of life. I pray for God's peace and pacing. I pray for God to hold me up so I do not fall into self-pity or talk myself into believing it is all futile. I pray for the Holy Spirit to breathe energy and hope and joy into my day so that I can go to sleep tonight and not wake up with a headache because I've been grinding my teeth. I pray that Jesus would walk with me and help me to put one foot in front of the other as I seek out the path of life and God's will.
So, back to the pragmatic...On my list:
- Laundry (already on load #2!)
- Study for the GRE (I decided this weekend I'd take it just in case -- picked up a study aid and realized yesterday how much fun it is to study for a test again!)
- Attend church meeting this afternoon regarding possibility of planting a church campus in the city
- Email directors of a couple of graduate programs I'm interested in to get their input on some specific questions I have
- Pick up dry cleaning
- Go grocery shopping
- Outline objectives and broad strategy for research project I wish to undertake at work
- Email former grad school professor to see if he'd be willing to talk to me about above project
- Clean bathroom and vacuum
If you're still reading, don't say I didn't warn you. That's it. That's the end of the post.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What's Going On
Richard and I exchanged Christmas presents early this year. He bought me Bose headphones and I bought him an I-Pod. Now we both want what the other has (in addition to what we already have). Give a mouse a cookie...
We finished up our time in Texas on Sunday. It really was wonderful, the whole trip. I don't think I'd change a thing about it even if I could. I enjoyed the conversations I was able to have with my mom. I should say a few words about my mom and me and how we communicate. It tends to take us a day or two to get into a groove; it's funny, I feel like I have nothing to say and no energy to say it for our first day together, and I get the sense that she isn't sure who I am or who she should be to me either. But then we warm up to each other and we're able to find each other and talk and enjoy it. It's so odd. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm also learning a bit more about my step-dad, David. He is such a kind man, full of love, uniquely gifted at seeing things about people that most others wouldn't see. He has his blind spots, of course, and idiosyncracies just as we all do, but his heart is so huge that the blind spots matter less and you can only love him. Richard is definitely the more social person of the two of us and I know both mom and David appreciate him as part of the family -- Richard has this gift of being able to engage almost anyone in a conversation. He has this gift of caring what other people think and letting them know he really cares. I love him, again I am reminded of that.
Our few days in Dallas were also very good and laid back. One day after lunch we took a tour of Suzanne's laboratory and office -- pretty extraordinary, what goes on in there! So many vials and blood samples and computers and unidentifiable machines and people working hard. I was impressed. I told Richard it was more exciting than the tour we took of his brother's paper factory (hopefully I didn't offend him). And it was WAY better than the tour of the iron mine in Minnesota (don't get me started).
The most productive thing I did in Dallas was help my dad work on a paper he had to write for one his classes (to do with communication, for his mediation certificate). It was quite stimulating, actually, to read academic journals and learn new concepts. I really liked the ideas of one researcher in particular and looked him up -- turns out, he's on faculty at a distance (or "distributed") learning graduate school. The more I research this school, the more I like it...I feel change in the air...Wouldn't it be amazing to start working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology but integrate into it courses from the human and organizational development field? I'm dreaming...The problem with distance learning is that you can't have distance RAs or TAs or tuition waivers...so it will come down to a question of money.
But all that to say, I'm definitely exploring some school options, just to see what's out there. Ideally, I'll be able to start something and keep working. I'm talking to my boss about spending more of my time at work researching some things and helping to develop recommendations for program directions -- that would be the perfect way to get back into the feeling of graduate school. It just came up in a conversation and I think it might actually happen...Thank you, God, for being much better than I am at putting all the pieces together.
I love my little sister. She is such an amazing person. Did I mention that last time? Nicole, you have to come visit me!!! I love you.
We finished up our time in Texas on Sunday. It really was wonderful, the whole trip. I don't think I'd change a thing about it even if I could. I enjoyed the conversations I was able to have with my mom. I should say a few words about my mom and me and how we communicate. It tends to take us a day or two to get into a groove; it's funny, I feel like I have nothing to say and no energy to say it for our first day together, and I get the sense that she isn't sure who I am or who she should be to me either. But then we warm up to each other and we're able to find each other and talk and enjoy it. It's so odd. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm also learning a bit more about my step-dad, David. He is such a kind man, full of love, uniquely gifted at seeing things about people that most others wouldn't see. He has his blind spots, of course, and idiosyncracies just as we all do, but his heart is so huge that the blind spots matter less and you can only love him. Richard is definitely the more social person of the two of us and I know both mom and David appreciate him as part of the family -- Richard has this gift of being able to engage almost anyone in a conversation. He has this gift of caring what other people think and letting them know he really cares. I love him, again I am reminded of that.
Our few days in Dallas were also very good and laid back. One day after lunch we took a tour of Suzanne's laboratory and office -- pretty extraordinary, what goes on in there! So many vials and blood samples and computers and unidentifiable machines and people working hard. I was impressed. I told Richard it was more exciting than the tour we took of his brother's paper factory (hopefully I didn't offend him). And it was WAY better than the tour of the iron mine in Minnesota (don't get me started).
The most productive thing I did in Dallas was help my dad work on a paper he had to write for one his classes (to do with communication, for his mediation certificate). It was quite stimulating, actually, to read academic journals and learn new concepts. I really liked the ideas of one researcher in particular and looked him up -- turns out, he's on faculty at a distance (or "distributed") learning graduate school. The more I research this school, the more I like it...I feel change in the air...Wouldn't it be amazing to start working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology but integrate into it courses from the human and organizational development field? I'm dreaming...The problem with distance learning is that you can't have distance RAs or TAs or tuition waivers...so it will come down to a question of money.
But all that to say, I'm definitely exploring some school options, just to see what's out there. Ideally, I'll be able to start something and keep working. I'm talking to my boss about spending more of my time at work researching some things and helping to develop recommendations for program directions -- that would be the perfect way to get back into the feeling of graduate school. It just came up in a conversation and I think it might actually happen...Thank you, God, for being much better than I am at putting all the pieces together.
I love my little sister. She is such an amazing person. Did I mention that last time? Nicole, you have to come visit me!!! I love you.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Thanksgiving in Texas
It's been a while since I posted. For some reason, I haven't felt very motivated to write...To my three readers, please don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. It's me.
I'm on vacation this week -- Richard and I left for San Antonio on Saturday, then yesterday we drove up to Dallas. We spent the weekend eating, reading, and shopping with my mom and step-dad; a lazy, lovely weekend. On our drive up to Dallas, we stopped in Austin to visit my little sister, one of my very favorite people in the world. She's eleven years younger than I am and the way I feel about her is the closest I can come to imagining the love a parent has for her child. When I'm around her, I just want to make sure she knows she is beautiful and valuable and wonderful and that she blesses everyone who knows her. I want her to be happy. I want her to experience all the best things and none of the hard things in life, and it makes my heart ache to confront the reality that she lives in the same world I do -- one that inevitably presents you with difficulties, pain and loss. I pray she has strength, endurance and joy throughout her life. I pray she knows peace more often than sorrow.
We arrived at my dad and stepmom's home early yesterday evening. We went out for "Tex-Mex" last night; the most authentic thing about the restuarant was the fact that our waiter hardly spoke any English. So far this morning, we've eaten breakfast, I've played with the dogs, and my father, husband and I just took a brief walk around the small neighborhood. It mostly comprises cul-de-sacs, big fancy houses, well-watered but still browning lawns, newly-planted flowers (in November?), and emptiness. The only other person I saw was a guy jogging -- it's kind of pathetic to jog in this neighborhood, you virtually run in circles.
We'll be in Dallas until early Thursday morning, when Richard and I will drive back to San Antonio to rejoin my mom, step-dad and little sister.
So far, it's been a lovely vacation. I actually feel almost relaxed, it's so nice. I think I could get used to this...
I'm on vacation this week -- Richard and I left for San Antonio on Saturday, then yesterday we drove up to Dallas. We spent the weekend eating, reading, and shopping with my mom and step-dad; a lazy, lovely weekend. On our drive up to Dallas, we stopped in Austin to visit my little sister, one of my very favorite people in the world. She's eleven years younger than I am and the way I feel about her is the closest I can come to imagining the love a parent has for her child. When I'm around her, I just want to make sure she knows she is beautiful and valuable and wonderful and that she blesses everyone who knows her. I want her to be happy. I want her to experience all the best things and none of the hard things in life, and it makes my heart ache to confront the reality that she lives in the same world I do -- one that inevitably presents you with difficulties, pain and loss. I pray she has strength, endurance and joy throughout her life. I pray she knows peace more often than sorrow.
We arrived at my dad and stepmom's home early yesterday evening. We went out for "Tex-Mex" last night; the most authentic thing about the restuarant was the fact that our waiter hardly spoke any English. So far this morning, we've eaten breakfast, I've played with the dogs, and my father, husband and I just took a brief walk around the small neighborhood. It mostly comprises cul-de-sacs, big fancy houses, well-watered but still browning lawns, newly-planted flowers (in November?), and emptiness. The only other person I saw was a guy jogging -- it's kind of pathetic to jog in this neighborhood, you virtually run in circles.
We'll be in Dallas until early Thursday morning, when Richard and I will drive back to San Antonio to rejoin my mom, step-dad and little sister.
So far, it's been a lovely vacation. I actually feel almost relaxed, it's so nice. I think I could get used to this...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
