Home

i'm on my way home now. sitting in the airport in kigali, rwanda, where (go figure) they have free wireless internet access. i am so looking forward to arriving at home tomorrow evening...

the trip has gone well overall but i think my whole time here i've been anxious to leave. i'm thankful to have been kept busy and taken out of my normal context, for the simple reason that it's forced me to think about things other than the pregnancy. i haven't had countless hours to google things like "early pregnancy symptoms" or "risks of miscarriage" or "chances of causing miscarriage by accidentally eating soft cheese."

my prayer: that there would be a life growing inside me, that i would deliver a healthy baby just months from now. and my next prayer: whatever happens, i will know and believe that God is good and merciful.

A new post

I promised my mother I would make a new entry soon. She was understandably eager for a different and more interesting title when she navigated over to this page. So instead of TIRED, I will now entice readers with this latest very exciting post name.

I'm sitting at JFK airport, about two hours out from my flight to Brussels, where I'll connect to another flight that will take me to Kigali. Then I'll get in a car and head to Goma in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo. I have a week of meetings in Congo followed by three days of meetings in Rwanda.

The question I'm asking myself right now is as follows: Will I contribute anything even remotely close to valuable in the next 10 days? You see, I am distracted and preoccupied with things other than our strategic plan for the Great Lakes region of Africa. Less than 10 days ago, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive.

And so the event that drives me back to the blog is very similar to what brought me here in the first place. Eighteen months ago, it was a miscarriage that caused me to seek refuge in writing (online, for whatever reason...). This time, I'm praying that the ending will be different. I'm excited and terrified and anxious and impatient. I want to know what's going to happen! How frustrating it is that the only way I'll find out is if I actually let it happen...

Tired

I intentionally stayed home tonight (house to myself) so I'd have a few hours to decompress, relax, do nothing, be alone...My hope was to clear my head enough to be able to have a coherent thought, a clear emotion, something not buzzing or fuzzy or tangled. It's not so much happening so I'm thinking of just getting in bed.

I have a friend who journals all the time. I told her I didn't journal very consistently and she said to me, "You have to get that stuff (in your head) OUT!" She's right. Even when there's nothing in particular going on that's worrying me or bothering me or that I'm anticipating, it's good to put whatever is in my head "out there" from time to time so the things aren't crashing into each other and making noise and causing me headaches. But tonight I don't feel like venting or processing or, frankly, writing that much. So I'll keep it short.

I went to Boston last weekend for work. Boston is a beautiful city! Richard came with me and we had a lovely time walking up and down the streets, observing all the other people do the same. Richard thought everyone there had short legs, but I'm pretty sure there's not a statistically significant difference between their leg length and the rest of the world's. I think a lot of people wore low-riding jeans and wore boots, which could indeed have made their legs appear shorter than they were. We ate dinner at a great Indian restaurant a couple blocks away from our hotel.

Saturday, my dad and step-mom are coming into town; they'll be staying for 5 or so days. The Saturday after that, I'm going to Thailand for meetings.

A few nights ago, my friend Piper came over with her friend Jenn, who is an expert gardener. Jenn has offered to help Richard and me with the landscaping (and I emphasize land) in our back "yard" where we have mostly brick but a small flower bed and also want to grow some sort of vines to cover the pergola. I can't remember the last time I was as grateful as I was when Jenn said she'd be happy to pick out plants etc. for us now that she knows what we like -- we don't even have to go! What a blessing. Seriously, that made my week. My month, even.

It's very early but I'm going to get in bed and finish reading my book, In the Footsteps of Mr. Kurtz -- well worth reading if you're interested in learning more about the Democratic Republic of Congo and infamous dictator Mobutu Sese Seko. I have an early morning meeting followed by a 3-hour meeting...Makes me tired just thinking of it.

I love coffee

I'm back at my favorite spot in the house I'm staying at in Rwanda. The upstairs veranda. I'm drinking coffee (confession: my 3rd cup this morning) and soaking up the cool, fresh morning air and the noises of birds and voices of small children yelling in the distance and dogs barking and cars forcing their way over unpaved back-roads. This is my first day of rest in quite a while, and I'm so terribly thankful for it. The last two weeks have been busy with the partners' conference, endless conversations with partners and staff, finishing off a couple of proposals with quickly approaching deadlines...Yesterday, I drove back from Goma (in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo, or DRC), having spent a day and a half there meeting with staff. Then I went straight into two more hours of meetings in Kigali. I was exhausted, but had made plans to go to a Good Friday service and then out to dinner at a Greek restaurant. It was a nice evening -- we were entertained by a large gray cat with a very imposing meow who was convinced he ought to be allowed to help himself to the good-smelling food on our table. The waiters asked if the cat was ours or if we wanted the cat to stay with us -- we did not, so they tried shooing him away with firm voices and stomping feet. This cat was unmoved. Finally they threw bread so the cat would move away from the table. A short-term solution that will no doubt cause them anguish in the near future...

Why am I writing of stray cats and Greek food and meetings? Why are these the things my brain is processing right now, instead of the punch-you-in-the-gut-reality of the lives of the people who live in utter deprivation every day here? A week ago I took a walk down a well-populated hill and on the way back up, out of breath from the steepness and the altitude, I was passed by men and women and children who were carrying loads (of branches, bananas, water, whatever) on their heads. They climbed this hill every day. Not for exercise or enjoyment, but because they had to. I am struck once again at how profoundly different my life, my reality is from that of so many other people. Is it better? Is it worse? Am I blessed? Are they? My brain cannot know the answers to such questions, can hardly even process them. My brain convinces me to just drink my coffee and listen to the noises around me and thank God for all He has made.

The journey so far...

The flight from Amsterdam into Nairobi was lovely -- the plane was surprisingly empty. I had a whole row of seats to myself and got to stretch out and sleep for several hours. What a blessing! Especially since the overnight in Nairobi was not terribly smooth...We landed at 8:15pm and waited for the luggage to be unloaded. And we waited. And we waited. And two hours later it was announced that there was a problem with the door to the luggage compartment of the plane and they were working on it. I decided to find my driver and head to the guesthouse rather than wait around -- my flight for Rwanda would leave the next morning anyway and I could collect luggage then. When I returned that morning, I found out they never succeeded in opening the jammed door and all the luggage on the Amsterdam flight had been sent back to Amsterdam. A reasonable solution, I thought.

Luggage arrived in Rwanda one day after I did -- not bad at all.

So I've been in Kigali the past two days. It's beautiful here; such a contrast to the clogged and chaotic streets of Haiti. Here, all the lawns are well manicured (it's against the law to walk on the grass!), the traffic is light, the streets are clean, the air is cool, the hills crowded with homes and crops seem organized and orderly. It's almost eerie. I heard yesterday about a few men who'd been caught carjacking -- they were taken back to the scene of the crime to "reenact" what happened; they tried to escape and were all shot and killed. Carjacking is apparently not a big problem anymore. Reminds me of Singapore.

Now I'm back at the airport to take a quick 2-day trip to Burundi. Can't think too much, just keep moving...

Musings from Amsterdam

Just flew into Amsterdam. On the airplane, I watched the movie Juno. Very cute. I was sitting next to four loud women who were traveling together. One was Italian. And drunk. In the middle of the flight, after one too many individual bottles of chardonnay, she started yelling at her co-travelers and cursing at them. It was awkward.

I’m reading a book by Miroslav Volf, it’s called Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace. What a great title. I’m only about 50 pages into it but already I am encountering some truths my soul desperately needs to understand. Volf emphasizes the fact that we are dependent on God and that He is the ultimate Giver. He quotes Martin Luther who said, “We are beggars – that is true.” It’s ironic that only in our utter reliance on God are we able to somehow find freedom. He created us, He gives us our every breath, and all that we have is from Him. That’s such a foreign concept. In this world, in our human relationships, dependency is a bad thing except for infants; being dependent on another strips us of dignity, it obligates us, it ties our hands. How is it that accepting our position as receiver to the divine Giver can set us free? How is it that we can present our open hands to Him in fearless expectation that He has given, is giving, will always give?

Next stop: Nairobi.

On the move

Just off the phone with my mother and she reminded me it had been a while since I've posted...It's good to have a mom.

Since the last post, I've watched the lunar eclipse from a rooftop in Haiti and am now back at the Baltimore airport waiting to get on a plane that will take me to (Detroit, another plane to Amsterdam, another plane to Nairobi, an overnight in Nairobi, and finally a plane to) Kigali, Rwanda. Perhaps on one of the flights I will write something more insightful than that statement of fact. For the moment, I can't process much that's going on except to say I'm prepared to be in Africa for the next month.

My flight is boarding now...

the funny thing about feelings

By most measures, this week was a good week. Richard had his 5-year colonoscopy and the results were normal. I had a number of productive days and very good meetings at work. I went out with my closest friend to see a play. I made progress in "exorcising some ghosts" from my life, as I mentioned I had to in my last post.

So the question I ask myself right now is, Why do I feel so unimpressed with my life? Why is there a tightening in my chest and a restlessness in my heart? Maybe it's not even worth asking the question. I don't know.

For Lent (and for my own mental health) I have given up "TV." We don't actually get any reception on our television set, so what I mean is that I have given up watching television programs online. I knew I had to do something when I had finished one-and-a-half seasons each of Friday Night Lights, Gray's Anatomy and Heroes and all the available episodes of Battlestar Gallactica. All in a relatively short stretch of time. Truly, I have felt myself get stupider. I used to be so smart, it's quite sad really. So now I'm trying to remember how to read and do other things that don't involve streaming video. If I were really ambitious, I'd give up the internet too, but (let's be serious) that's not going to happen until I'm forced.

Ghosts

Life is interesting. I wrote not long ago that change is in the air -- I can feel it, I can almost touch it. I don't know what it will be, but it is coming.

Maybe it's just a part of the preparation, but I feel lately like there are some ghosts I have to deal with. To exorcise. I was speaking with a pastor from Nairobi, Kenya, who was just visiting Baltimore for a few days last week. He said he felt like a lot of the sudden violence they're experiencing along ethnic lines was something that had to be released, like there was too much pressure and the top had to come off, and he predicted that people would be able to move on relatively quickly. Perhaps it's a silly connection for me to make, but the word "exorcism" is what comes to mind in both cases.

I've read a few books on healing and spiritual warfare but I can't say I understand much about it or even deeply believe, although I know I should. In countries all around the world, people experience the spiritual realm in a very physical way, they witness healings regularly, and yet I am confined to my western rational mind that reduces everything to neurotransmitters. I want to see the truth, I want to know the truth. I want to be set free from the demons that haunt me. I want to fight, to stand up and fight.

I'm reminded of the Caedmon's Call song, The Lord is a Warrior. The words are comforting to me. He is mighty in battle, He is mighty to save. And a battle it is.

Happy Fracking New Year

Richard got me watching Battlestar Gallactica this Christmas. I'm officially a fan. I'm officially compulsively addicted. Add that to the list.

So I now have to update my profile to say "just turned 31," and I should probably also confess to giving away our very fat tabby cat.

Today I passed the homeless man I always pass on my way to or from work. He didn't make eye contact for more than a fraction of a second, and he waved in a dismissive, uninterested way. It was sad, it made my heart hurt. He didn't feel like putting on a smile or nodding his head or pretending like we had some special connection because we saw each other from time to time on Baltimore Street just 4 blocks from the Inner Harbor in front of an abandoned field where he'd built a makeshift fort out of cardboard and old folding chairs and scraps of clothing. Tonight was cold. There was a long line out in front of the shelter/soup kitchen across the street, he didn't seem interested in standing in the line. I wonder, what is the right thing to do?

This weekend I was singing at church -- I was asked at the last minute because two vocalists had to cancel. I always enjoy being on the worship team. This time, I was on with a drummer I've known for a few years now. He's about 26, really sweet guy, very sincere, loves to drum. He used to be part of this Christian boy-band that was popular at our church and has moved onto Nashville (but this drummer stayed behind). He has always seemed a little sad, a little bit like he's wandering and feels like there's something else he should be doing. He seems to truly love God and to love people. He's the sort of person that makes you feel welcome, that makes you feel good. In September, he broke his back. I don't remember the whole story of how it happened, but he had surgery to fuse his spine back together. The pain hasn't gone away -- he walks with a cane, carefully, slowly, he is gentle when sitting down and standing up. He grimaces in pain. It breaks my heart. So this weekend was his first weekend back on the team since the accident, and it was hard. He looks remarkably at peace when he's playing the drums and he plays them perfectly, but it takes all the energy he has and the pain must be almost unbearable after each service. I didn't think he'd make it all the way through the 4 weekend services (and his doctor had advised against it), but he did. He felt he had to, to prove that he could do it, that perhaps all hope was not gone and perhaps God would see that He really needed to heal him. Perhaps God would work a miracle.

This week at work is difficult. I don't feel like I have the skills or the patience or the wisdom to make our partnerships successful. I feel unworthy. I feel frustrated with our organization for its chaos and dysfunction and petty arguments. I was directed to Psalm 77 this morning, instructing me to remember God's work and God's deeds, to remember He is a God who performs miracles. I am unworthy. We are dysfunctional. I don't have what it takes to make everything work. But I remember God and all that He is and does and will do. May this be a year of miracles.

Week in Winnipeg

There's something that feels so right about being surrounded by mounds of snow at Christmas time. We are virtually buried here and it is cozy and cold and comforting. The temperature has been quite mild, all things considered, and although that is probably the fault of global warming, I'm enjoying it.

Richard and I have carelessly spent the last six days in no rush to do anything more strenuous than watch Battlestar Gallactica, breaking up our days with short walks or card games or visits to friends' homes. Two things have marked our time here: food and family. Both available in abundance, both more than I feel I can handle at times, both I've been tremendously grateful for. There is love and joy here, and much laughter. There is history. We are blessed.

In an hour or so we will go to church, the same church in which Richard grew up. But first, of course, a meal...

Five Degrees

That's the temperature outside. Five degrees. Farenheit. Welcome to Winnipeg.

I am a bad blogger, I know. It's been ages since my last post. I realize that my posting style, like my style of communicating generally, is to only post things that I've thought through somewhat. Or to post about things that I don't ever expect to figure out. I don't really enjoy writing about things that I am wavering about, going back and forth on, changing my mind about every other day but ultimately feel like I eventually have to know the answer. Or eventually I at least have to choose something. And right now, with my life, as I ponder the future, I seem to be stuck in the position: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. And yes, of course I know there's probably not one right answer, not one path to take, no one decision that will make my life either a Success or a Dismal Failure. But my black-and-white mind categorizes things in this way. So my silence online is matched by the opposite in my head -- endless chatter, noise, thinking, playing out different scenarios. Something is coming, a change is coming, but What Exactly?

Maybe the cold air will clear my head of the noise...

Prayer for the day

Note: This post is more for me than for you. Feel free not to read it. I won't be offended.

Is it wrong to title a post "prayer for the day" when it's Sunday and I'm skipping church? I have a headache but what else is new? I should be on my way to church in 10 minutes. But I am staying home. Nevertheless, I will trust that God will hear my prayer.

I have a list of things to do over the next few days, and my pragmatic prayer is that I would actually do them rather than sit around doing worthless and/or self-destructive things. I pray that I would choose life this day rather than a shadow of life. I pray for God's peace and pacing. I pray for God to hold me up so I do not fall into self-pity or talk myself into believing it is all futile. I pray for the Holy Spirit to breathe energy and hope and joy into my day so that I can go to sleep tonight and not wake up with a headache because I've been grinding my teeth. I pray that Jesus would walk with me and help me to put one foot in front of the other as I seek out the path of life and God's will.

So, back to the pragmatic...On my list:

• Laundry (already on load #2!)
• Study for the GRE (I decided this weekend I'd take it just in case -- picked up a study aid and realized yesterday how much fun it is to study for a test again!)
• Attend church meeting this afternoon regarding possibility of planting a church campus in the city
• Email directors of a couple of graduate programs I'm interested in to get their input on some specific questions I have
• Pick up dry cleaning
• Go grocery shopping
• Outline objectives and broad strategy for research project I wish to undertake at work
• Email former grad school professor to see if he'd be willing to talk to me about above project
• Clean bathroom and vacuum

If you're still reading, don't say I didn't warn you. That's it. That's the end of the post.

What's Going On

Richard and I exchanged Christmas presents early this year. He bought me Bose headphones and I bought him an I-Pod. Now we both want what the other has (in addition to what we already have). Give a mouse a cookie...

We finished up our time in Texas on Sunday. It really was wonderful, the whole trip. I don't think I'd change a thing about it even if I could. I enjoyed the conversations I was able to have with my mom. I should say a few words about my mom and me and how we communicate. It tends to take us a day or two to get into a groove; it's funny, I feel like I have nothing to say and no energy to say it for our first day together, and I get the sense that she isn't sure who I am or who she should be to me either. But then we warm up to each other and we're able to find each other and talk and enjoy it. It's so odd. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm also learning a bit more about my step-dad, David. He is such a kind man, full of love, uniquely gifted at seeing things about people that most others wouldn't see. He has his blind spots, of course, and idiosyncracies just as we all do, but his heart is so huge that the blind spots matter less and you can only love him. Richard is definitely the more social person of the two of us and I know both mom and David appreciate him as part of the family -- Richard has this gift of being able to engage almost anyone in a conversation. He has this gift of caring what other people think and letting them know he really cares. I love him, again I am reminded of that.

Our few days in Dallas were also very good and laid back. One day after lunch we took a tour of Suzanne's laboratory and office -- pretty extraordinary, what goes on in there! So many vials and blood samples and computers and unidentifiable machines and people working hard. I was impressed. I told Richard it was more exciting than the tour we took of his brother's paper factory (hopefully I didn't offend him). And it was WAY better than the tour of the iron mine in Minnesota (don't get me started).

The most productive thing I did in Dallas was help my dad work on a paper he had to write for one his classes (to do with communication, for his mediation certificate). It was quite stimulating, actually, to read academic journals and learn new concepts. I really liked the ideas of one researcher in particular and looked him up -- turns out, he's on faculty at a distance (or "distributed") learning graduate school. The more I research this school, the more I like it...I feel change in the air...Wouldn't it be amazing to start working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology but integrate into it courses from the human and organizational development field? I'm dreaming...The problem with distance learning is that you can't have distance RAs or TAs or tuition waivers...so it will come down to a question of money.

But all that to say, I'm definitely exploring some school options, just to see what's out there. Ideally, I'll be able to start something and keep working. I'm talking to my boss about spending more of my time at work researching some things and helping to develop recommendations for program directions -- that would be the perfect way to get back into the feeling of graduate school. It just came up in a conversation and I think it might actually happen...Thank you, God, for being much better than I am at putting all the pieces together.

I love my little sister. She is such an amazing person. Did I mention that last time? Nicole, you have to come visit me!!! I love you.

Thanksgiving in Texas

It's been a while since I posted. For some reason, I haven't felt very motivated to write...To my three readers, please don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. It's me.

I'm on vacation this week -- Richard and I left for San Antonio on Saturday, then yesterday we drove up to Dallas. We spent the weekend eating, reading, and shopping with my mom and step-dad; a lazy, lovely weekend. On our drive up to Dallas, we stopped in Austin to visit my little sister, one of my very favorite people in the world. She's eleven years younger than I am and the way I feel about her is the closest I can come to imagining the love a parent has for her child. When I'm around her, I just want to make sure she knows she is beautiful and valuable and wonderful and that she blesses everyone who knows her. I want her to be happy. I want her to experience all the best things and none of the hard things in life, and it makes my heart ache to confront the reality that she lives in the same world I do -- one that inevitably presents you with difficulties, pain and loss. I pray she has strength, endurance and joy throughout her life. I pray she knows peace more often than sorrow.

We arrived at my dad and stepmom's home early yesterday evening. We went out for "Tex-Mex" last night; the most authentic thing about the restuarant was the fact that our waiter hardly spoke any English. So far this morning, we've eaten breakfast, I've played with the dogs, and my father, husband and I just took a brief walk around the small neighborhood. It mostly comprises cul-de-sacs, big fancy houses, well-watered but still browning lawns, newly-planted flowers (in November?), and emptiness. The only other person I saw was a guy jogging -- it's kind of pathetic to jog in this neighborhood, you virtually run in circles.

We'll be in Dallas until early Thursday morning, when Richard and I will drive back to San Antonio to rejoin my mom, step-dad and little sister.

So far, it's been a lovely vacation. I actually feel almost relaxed, it's so nice. I think I could get used to this...

Briefly

This morning, the following was read aloud to me: "God does not want you to destroy yourself. Exhaustion, burn-out and depression are not signs that you are doing God's will." (Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love.)

It's good to be reminded of this...

Post-EVENT post

To all of you who prayed for THE EVENT, I want to say thank you. Your prayers saved us from disaster. Parts of the conference were very good and only a few things were outright bad. Overall, I would term it a success...So how do I feel now that it's two days behind me? Relieved? Joyful? Unburdened? Perhaps a bit of all of those things, but more prominent is this: I am depressed. I had no idea it would feel this way -- the let down, the stillness, the exhaustion, the remembrance of all things that were less than perfect, the meetings that never materialized, the friends who are gone.

My sister-in-law told my husband that post-event depression can rival postpartum depression in its intensity...I don't know if there's any truth in that or if she just made it up in an attempt to make Richard and me feel better, but I'm going to cling to it as medical fact.

Of course, the depression will surely not last long. There is very little time for stillness. Today I have meetings from 9 to 5, tomorrow I go to Chicago to meet with a potential partner, Friday it's off to Grand Rapids to facilitate a workshop for a current partner, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps the question I ought to ask myself is whether or not busy-ness is an adequate antidote to depression or merely a covering-up of what is and always will be there until I deal with that which lies deeper than the surface-level anxiety. Maybe next week I'll have time to think about it.

Ramblings the Sunday before THE EVENT

I made a brilliant decision to have a bunch of out-of-towners to my house for dinner tomorrow night. Sarcasm, you ask? Yes, in part, but it WAS brilliant because it forced me to clean my house. I washed floors, scrubbed bathrooms, rearranged furniture...Haven't quite dusted yet, or cleaned all the mirrors, or changed my sheets. But its good enough for dinner guests. I also sang at church this weekend, meaning I was at church Saturday from 4:30 to 7pm and today from 7am to noon. And all this the weekend before THE EVENT. I'm grateful to have had a busy weekend so I didn't have to sit around feeling guilty for not getting more work done.

I have issues. I think I've mentioned that before.

Mom, I know I need to call you. I'm sorry, I'm going through one of my phone-phobic or anti-talking or "damn the man" phases.

We talked last week at small group about prophecies and what it looks like when God fulfills His prophecies. This week at church, the sermon was about God's promise to Abraham. I've been thinking about this off and on for a while -- the question of what God really has promised to us, and whether I believe in it, and whether I understand (can anyone understand?) what God really means by the promises we like to claim from the Bible. He doesn't promise we won't fail or hurt or royally screw up or make people mad at us or get lost or sink into depression. Does He? Do You, Lord? And so I'm struggling to know exactly what I should trust God for, or expect from Him. It's one of those things that I don't necessarily have to know, that maybe I'll never know. And yet I want to.

So the connection to THE EVENT, of course, is that a big part of me expects failure and is ready to be disappointed -- or to not be overwhelmed with God's power and goodness. My therapist advised me last week to be "open to the possibility of success," to not so expect to fail that I can't even recognize success. God, I really and truly do not care about succeeding personally with this event -- I want it to be glorifying to You. Make it good, Lord, for Your sake. I give it to You now and (without fully knowing what I mean by this) trust You with the outcomes, whatever they are. I trust they'll be to Your glory, and that will be success. Amen.

T-8 (or is it T-9?)

Time is flying and THE EVENT is rapidly approaching. I swing from moments of panic to utter indifference to giddy excitement to fatalistic despair. And that's just today. Really, though, the preparations are coming along. The major prayer request at this point would be for the organization overall to come to some sort of understanding and agreement about what is good and allowable right now, what is worth exploring for the future, and what is definitely of value and to be pursued moving forward. Clear as mud? How about these:

• Pray for me to be patient and filled with grace for my staff. I want them to deliver everything perfectly and yesterday. They think they should be able to go on with the rest of their lives. I say their lives will be waiting for them Oct. 21.
• Pray for Richard to be patient and loving, to not resent how busy I am, to not take it personally that I am away from home so much these next couple of weeks. Pray that the time we have together would be sweet and rich and meaningful.
• Pray for the speakers, musicians, workshop leaders, and all the other staff and guests who have various responsibilities at the event. Pray for them to be carried by God's spirit, to move gracefully through the event space, to be radiant with joy and assurance, to love one another.

Thank you, friends. I really do value your prayers. I desperately need them. We all do.

Confession and more prayer for THE EVENT

First, the confession. Richard left Thursday for Indonesia. I tend to get pretty lazy when he's gone (he might say the same is true when he's not gone). So the past three nights, I have eaten frozen pizza for dinner. The same exact pizza, three nights in a row. I feel so dirty.

Now, some prayer needs for THE EVENT that starts in just two-and-a-half weeks:

• Pray that more people register. This is apparently a busy time of year for lots of churches and an especially popular time of year for missions conferences. Who knew.
• Pray that, regardless of numbers, all those who are there are impacted by the conference. That we all learn new things, are encouraged and challenged, and that we leave confident that it was well worth our time and investment.
• That God would move in our presence. That He would let us know if we are hearing Him or if we're getting off track. That He would forgive me for worrying and controlling and that He would set me free to enjoy and listen to Him.
• That the logistics of flights, sound systems, agendas, meals, hotel rooms, materials, videos and everything else would be smooth.
• That God would protect us from cynicism, hardness of heart, distraction, discouragement, illness, impatience...Lord, be merciful, be mighty, be near.