This weekend, I attended my first women's retreat. There are reasons I avoided them in the past: I don't like crowds, I can't stand forced interaction, I hate the way the focus is inevitably on women as housewives and moms, and I don't like a lot of women. But my dear friend Beaner and I agreed to go together, so on Friday I had no choice but to get in the car with her and drive to Lancaster, PA. I should have realized that Beaner would know far more women there than I would, that she's been to 6 or 7 of these retreats, and that she's far better than I am at pretending to be an extrovert. I used to feel very uncomfortable as an introvert, but I have mostly embraced it now and will only try to be extroverted in special situations or when I'm inebriated.
That being said, this weekend was way outside my comfort zone. I don't mind that -- I tend not to feel uncomfortable so much as I feel numb and wait for it to end.
Some highlights: getting to know 3 or 4 women whom I only knew in passing before, and finding I would love to spend more time with them; attending a seminar on healing prayer that is leading me to seriously consider pursuing healing prayer at my church (or at least to start writing out the things I think I may need healing from); watching Beaner and a group of women do "praise hula" to the song "Amazing Love/I'm Forgiven" -- it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
This weekend came at a good time for me. I've been feeling particularly tempted in one area of life and it was beginning to erode my faith. I pray this weekend will be the start of God giving me the strength I need to be wise, to resist temptation, to continue following Him rather than turning away as I'm so prone to do. Remarkably prone. It is what I know how to do better than anything -- obedience and perseverence are much more difficult, much more foreign.
We drove home today as heavy snow (for the mid-Atlantic) fell. It was beautiful, it made me glad to be alive, which I don't often feel. Something about snow-covered trees and white-topped rowhouses makes me happy.
I hope and pray for God's protection and healing -- Richard is away this week, in Egypt, and already I feel lonely and bored and ready to do something destructive to keep the feelings away. Strange. I do not really understand myself. One of the teachings this weekend was about being fully known by God, and that when we get to heaven we will finally know who we were truly created to be. God reveals that to us in this life as well, but we only learn it in bits and pieces, as we are faithful to ask and listen. I want to do more of that -- asking and listening to God about who He has created me to be, and who He really is.
This post is a little scattered, I apologize. I feel scattered.
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Monday, December 18, 2006
Something new
I'm finding out that I'm not the most faithful journal keeper so I'm not sure what makes me think I'll be better online. Time will tell.
The things that stand out the most in my life right now: being married (just over 2 years) and SUCKING at it -- I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married!; being a home-owner, as of 2-and-a-half months ago, and finding it to be overwhelming and expensive; being in the strange place of pregnant-but-probably-not-for-long, if the ultrasound two weeks ago was correct; being a follower of Christ but finding myself off the path more often than not, or looking down instead of watching where I'm going, or standing still, or turned around staring at what's behind me. Overall descriptive: stuck.
The pregnancy thing has thrown me. I took the home test 3 weeks ago and a week later was told the ultrasound didn't detect a fetal heartbeat, which it should have. And so I've been waiting for "something" to happen these last two weeks. Nothing has. I was moody and struggling with depression before this, and needless to say this deviation from my expected life has not helped matters. Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound to confirm things, one way or another: miscarriage or miracle. The conclusion seems all but certain, at least this is what my rational mind wants to keep telling me, or my cynical mind, or my "don't be fooled" mind. No room for false hope in this life. But is hope false, or is it just hope? Fulfilled or unfulfilled, is it ever categorically "bad"?
What I want: Peace. Desire for life. Less selfishness. True release and trust. To live without fear of being wrong, looking foolish, feeling depressed, messing up. All of these things I can survive, I have survived, so why do I somehow think they will kill me if they continue to happen or if people find them out?
What I don't want: to look foolish, to be wrong, to mess up, to feel depressed forever.
All I can do is keep walking, keep waking up, keep following one step at a time. And with every error or failure or imperfection, I can give thanks for a God who is right and good and just and merciful.
Does it have to be harder than that? I admit, sometimes (often) I feel like God expects more of me, that He is constantly disappointed. He has every right to be. If I commit to doing something for him and then only do it half-way or for half a day, how does he view it? Is he an all-or-nothing God, a black-and-white cut-and-dry God who doesn't take half-ass attempts? Do or do not, but do not try? Or does he use a sliding-scale to evaluate, saying this effort is good enough for one but not even close for another? Does he give credit for work even if the final answer is wrong? Can the God of the universe possibly be less demanding, less exacting, less desirous of complete obedience than I am? It seems preposterous.
And I have no answer except the one I am reminded of in church and by friends: God is just that demanding, just that holy and righteous. And he sent his son to meet the standard. Because nobody else could.
What does that mean, other than I should be EXTREMELY and eternally and overwhelmingly grateful to him for doing that?? How can I obsess about so many other things? Why do I allow myself to be overwhelmed by anything else? And I do. So my prayer tonight is to not be overwhelmed, now or when I wake or when I arrive at the radiologist office or when I find out the results. Or when I go to work or return home. I pray for peace, for real peace that surpasses understanding, that surpasses my own pathetic abilities, that overwhelms my habitual state of anxiety and self-absorption. And to that prayer, I say Amen.
The things that stand out the most in my life right now: being married (just over 2 years) and SUCKING at it -- I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married!; being a home-owner, as of 2-and-a-half months ago, and finding it to be overwhelming and expensive; being in the strange place of pregnant-but-probably-not-for-long, if the ultrasound two weeks ago was correct; being a follower of Christ but finding myself off the path more often than not, or looking down instead of watching where I'm going, or standing still, or turned around staring at what's behind me. Overall descriptive: stuck.
The pregnancy thing has thrown me. I took the home test 3 weeks ago and a week later was told the ultrasound didn't detect a fetal heartbeat, which it should have. And so I've been waiting for "something" to happen these last two weeks. Nothing has. I was moody and struggling with depression before this, and needless to say this deviation from my expected life has not helped matters. Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound to confirm things, one way or another: miscarriage or miracle. The conclusion seems all but certain, at least this is what my rational mind wants to keep telling me, or my cynical mind, or my "don't be fooled" mind. No room for false hope in this life. But is hope false, or is it just hope? Fulfilled or unfulfilled, is it ever categorically "bad"?
What I want: Peace. Desire for life. Less selfishness. True release and trust. To live without fear of being wrong, looking foolish, feeling depressed, messing up. All of these things I can survive, I have survived, so why do I somehow think they will kill me if they continue to happen or if people find them out?
What I don't want: to look foolish, to be wrong, to mess up, to feel depressed forever.
All I can do is keep walking, keep waking up, keep following one step at a time. And with every error or failure or imperfection, I can give thanks for a God who is right and good and just and merciful.
Does it have to be harder than that? I admit, sometimes (often) I feel like God expects more of me, that He is constantly disappointed. He has every right to be. If I commit to doing something for him and then only do it half-way or for half a day, how does he view it? Is he an all-or-nothing God, a black-and-white cut-and-dry God who doesn't take half-ass attempts? Do or do not, but do not try? Or does he use a sliding-scale to evaluate, saying this effort is good enough for one but not even close for another? Does he give credit for work even if the final answer is wrong? Can the God of the universe possibly be less demanding, less exacting, less desirous of complete obedience than I am? It seems preposterous.
And I have no answer except the one I am reminded of in church and by friends: God is just that demanding, just that holy and righteous. And he sent his son to meet the standard. Because nobody else could.
What does that mean, other than I should be EXTREMELY and eternally and overwhelmingly grateful to him for doing that?? How can I obsess about so many other things? Why do I allow myself to be overwhelmed by anything else? And I do. So my prayer tonight is to not be overwhelmed, now or when I wake or when I arrive at the radiologist office or when I find out the results. Or when I go to work or return home. I pray for peace, for real peace that surpasses understanding, that surpasses my own pathetic abilities, that overwhelms my habitual state of anxiety and self-absorption. And to that prayer, I say Amen.
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