Prayer for the day

Note: This post is more for me than for you. Feel free not to read it. I won't be offended.

Is it wrong to title a post "prayer for the day" when it's Sunday and I'm skipping church? I have a headache but what else is new? I should be on my way to church in 10 minutes. But I am staying home. Nevertheless, I will trust that God will hear my prayer.

I have a list of things to do over the next few days, and my pragmatic prayer is that I would actually do them rather than sit around doing worthless and/or self-destructive things. I pray that I would choose life this day rather than a shadow of life. I pray for God's peace and pacing. I pray for God to hold me up so I do not fall into self-pity or talk myself into believing it is all futile. I pray for the Holy Spirit to breathe energy and hope and joy into my day so that I can go to sleep tonight and not wake up with a headache because I've been grinding my teeth. I pray that Jesus would walk with me and help me to put one foot in front of the other as I seek out the path of life and God's will.

So, back to the pragmatic...On my list:

• Laundry (already on load #2!)
• Study for the GRE (I decided this weekend I'd take it just in case -- picked up a study aid and realized yesterday how much fun it is to study for a test again!)
• Attend church meeting this afternoon regarding possibility of planting a church campus in the city
• Email directors of a couple of graduate programs I'm interested in to get their input on some specific questions I have
• Pick up dry cleaning
• Go grocery shopping
• Outline objectives and broad strategy for research project I wish to undertake at work
• Email former grad school professor to see if he'd be willing to talk to me about above project
• Clean bathroom and vacuum

If you're still reading, don't say I didn't warn you. That's it. That's the end of the post.

What's Going On

Richard and I exchanged Christmas presents early this year. He bought me Bose headphones and I bought him an I-Pod. Now we both want what the other has (in addition to what we already have). Give a mouse a cookie...

We finished up our time in Texas on Sunday. It really was wonderful, the whole trip. I don't think I'd change a thing about it even if I could. I enjoyed the conversations I was able to have with my mom. I should say a few words about my mom and me and how we communicate. It tends to take us a day or two to get into a groove; it's funny, I feel like I have nothing to say and no energy to say it for our first day together, and I get the sense that she isn't sure who I am or who she should be to me either. But then we warm up to each other and we're able to find each other and talk and enjoy it. It's so odd. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm also learning a bit more about my step-dad, David. He is such a kind man, full of love, uniquely gifted at seeing things about people that most others wouldn't see. He has his blind spots, of course, and idiosyncracies just as we all do, but his heart is so huge that the blind spots matter less and you can only love him. Richard is definitely the more social person of the two of us and I know both mom and David appreciate him as part of the family -- Richard has this gift of being able to engage almost anyone in a conversation. He has this gift of caring what other people think and letting them know he really cares. I love him, again I am reminded of that.

Our few days in Dallas were also very good and laid back. One day after lunch we took a tour of Suzanne's laboratory and office -- pretty extraordinary, what goes on in there! So many vials and blood samples and computers and unidentifiable machines and people working hard. I was impressed. I told Richard it was more exciting than the tour we took of his brother's paper factory (hopefully I didn't offend him). And it was WAY better than the tour of the iron mine in Minnesota (don't get me started).

The most productive thing I did in Dallas was help my dad work on a paper he had to write for one his classes (to do with communication, for his mediation certificate). It was quite stimulating, actually, to read academic journals and learn new concepts. I really liked the ideas of one researcher in particular and looked him up -- turns out, he's on faculty at a distance (or "distributed") learning graduate school. The more I research this school, the more I like it...I feel change in the air...Wouldn't it be amazing to start working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology but integrate into it courses from the human and organizational development field? I'm dreaming...The problem with distance learning is that you can't have distance RAs or TAs or tuition waivers...so it will come down to a question of money.

But all that to say, I'm definitely exploring some school options, just to see what's out there. Ideally, I'll be able to start something and keep working. I'm talking to my boss about spending more of my time at work researching some things and helping to develop recommendations for program directions -- that would be the perfect way to get back into the feeling of graduate school. It just came up in a conversation and I think it might actually happen...Thank you, God, for being much better than I am at putting all the pieces together.

I love my little sister. She is such an amazing person. Did I mention that last time? Nicole, you have to come visit me!!! I love you.

Thanksgiving in Texas

It's been a while since I posted. For some reason, I haven't felt very motivated to write...To my three readers, please don't take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. It's me.

I'm on vacation this week -- Richard and I left for San Antonio on Saturday, then yesterday we drove up to Dallas. We spent the weekend eating, reading, and shopping with my mom and step-dad; a lazy, lovely weekend. On our drive up to Dallas, we stopped in Austin to visit my little sister, one of my very favorite people in the world. She's eleven years younger than I am and the way I feel about her is the closest I can come to imagining the love a parent has for her child. When I'm around her, I just want to make sure she knows she is beautiful and valuable and wonderful and that she blesses everyone who knows her. I want her to be happy. I want her to experience all the best things and none of the hard things in life, and it makes my heart ache to confront the reality that she lives in the same world I do -- one that inevitably presents you with difficulties, pain and loss. I pray she has strength, endurance and joy throughout her life. I pray she knows peace more often than sorrow.

We arrived at my dad and stepmom's home early yesterday evening. We went out for "Tex-Mex" last night; the most authentic thing about the restuarant was the fact that our waiter hardly spoke any English. So far this morning, we've eaten breakfast, I've played with the dogs, and my father, husband and I just took a brief walk around the small neighborhood. It mostly comprises cul-de-sacs, big fancy houses, well-watered but still browning lawns, newly-planted flowers (in November?), and emptiness. The only other person I saw was a guy jogging -- it's kind of pathetic to jog in this neighborhood, you virtually run in circles.

We'll be in Dallas until early Thursday morning, when Richard and I will drive back to San Antonio to rejoin my mom, step-dad and little sister.

So far, it's been a lovely vacation. I actually feel almost relaxed, it's so nice. I think I could get used to this...

Briefly

This morning, the following was read aloud to me: "God does not want you to destroy yourself. Exhaustion, burn-out and depression are not signs that you are doing God's will." (Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love.)

It's good to be reminded of this...

Post-EVENT post

To all of you who prayed for THE EVENT, I want to say thank you. Your prayers saved us from disaster. Parts of the conference were very good and only a few things were outright bad. Overall, I would term it a success...So how do I feel now that it's two days behind me? Relieved? Joyful? Unburdened? Perhaps a bit of all of those things, but more prominent is this: I am depressed. I had no idea it would feel this way -- the let down, the stillness, the exhaustion, the remembrance of all things that were less than perfect, the meetings that never materialized, the friends who are gone.

My sister-in-law told my husband that post-event depression can rival postpartum depression in its intensity...I don't know if there's any truth in that or if she just made it up in an attempt to make Richard and me feel better, but I'm going to cling to it as medical fact.

Of course, the depression will surely not last long. There is very little time for stillness. Today I have meetings from 9 to 5, tomorrow I go to Chicago to meet with a potential partner, Friday it's off to Grand Rapids to facilitate a workshop for a current partner, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps the question I ought to ask myself is whether or not busy-ness is an adequate antidote to depression or merely a covering-up of what is and always will be there until I deal with that which lies deeper than the surface-level anxiety. Maybe next week I'll have time to think about it.

Ramblings the Sunday before THE EVENT

I made a brilliant decision to have a bunch of out-of-towners to my house for dinner tomorrow night. Sarcasm, you ask? Yes, in part, but it WAS brilliant because it forced me to clean my house. I washed floors, scrubbed bathrooms, rearranged furniture...Haven't quite dusted yet, or cleaned all the mirrors, or changed my sheets. But its good enough for dinner guests. I also sang at church this weekend, meaning I was at church Saturday from 4:30 to 7pm and today from 7am to noon. And all this the weekend before THE EVENT. I'm grateful to have had a busy weekend so I didn't have to sit around feeling guilty for not getting more work done.

I have issues. I think I've mentioned that before.

Mom, I know I need to call you. I'm sorry, I'm going through one of my phone-phobic or anti-talking or "damn the man" phases.

We talked last week at small group about prophecies and what it looks like when God fulfills His prophecies. This week at church, the sermon was about God's promise to Abraham. I've been thinking about this off and on for a while -- the question of what God really has promised to us, and whether I believe in it, and whether I understand (can anyone understand?) what God really means by the promises we like to claim from the Bible. He doesn't promise we won't fail or hurt or royally screw up or make people mad at us or get lost or sink into depression. Does He? Do You, Lord? And so I'm struggling to know exactly what I should trust God for, or expect from Him. It's one of those things that I don't necessarily have to know, that maybe I'll never know. And yet I want to.

So the connection to THE EVENT, of course, is that a big part of me expects failure and is ready to be disappointed -- or to not be overwhelmed with God's power and goodness. My therapist advised me last week to be "open to the possibility of success," to not so expect to fail that I can't even recognize success. God, I really and truly do not care about succeeding personally with this event -- I want it to be glorifying to You. Make it good, Lord, for Your sake. I give it to You now and (without fully knowing what I mean by this) trust You with the outcomes, whatever they are. I trust they'll be to Your glory, and that will be success. Amen.

T-8 (or is it T-9?)

Time is flying and THE EVENT is rapidly approaching. I swing from moments of panic to utter indifference to giddy excitement to fatalistic despair. And that's just today. Really, though, the preparations are coming along. The major prayer request at this point would be for the organization overall to come to some sort of understanding and agreement about what is good and allowable right now, what is worth exploring for the future, and what is definitely of value and to be pursued moving forward. Clear as mud? How about these:

• Pray for me to be patient and filled with grace for my staff. I want them to deliver everything perfectly and yesterday. They think they should be able to go on with the rest of their lives. I say their lives will be waiting for them Oct. 21.
• Pray for Richard to be patient and loving, to not resent how busy I am, to not take it personally that I am away from home so much these next couple of weeks. Pray that the time we have together would be sweet and rich and meaningful.
• Pray for the speakers, musicians, workshop leaders, and all the other staff and guests who have various responsibilities at the event. Pray for them to be carried by God's spirit, to move gracefully through the event space, to be radiant with joy and assurance, to love one another.

Thank you, friends. I really do value your prayers. I desperately need them. We all do.