Well the question of whether or not I'd be pregnant for long was answered -- I had a second ultrasound Tuesday that showed no change. Last night, I took some drugs to catch my body up to that reality. And so the end begins, until the next beginning.
I look forward to this month being over, to this whole year finally ceasing. I am so very tired of 2006, and I can only expect (pray, hope, believe for no rational reason) that 2007 will be better. I will turn 30 soon, so it will even be the start of a new decade for me. Gosh that sounds fantastic.
To anyone who does not understand or appreciate sarcasm, I apologize and hereby recommend that you find another blog to frequent.
And Christmas is in just 4 days...I used to get so excited about Christmas, about the presents under the tree, about the stuffed stockings and smell of pine and warm pumpkin bread. I used to bake Christmas cookies with my mom the week before Christmas, and I remember eating the cookie dough and thinking it was the best thing in the world. We would make dozens and dozens of cookies to give away in cute tins or special holiday bags. I remember going to Christmas eve service with her and my sister -- my father stopped going somewhere along the way -- and holding my own candle as the congregation sang "Silent Night." It was the most beautiful thing. Then we'd drive around our neighborhood and drink in the decorative lights, the candles glowing in paper bags. There was joy in it all, anticipation, excitement.
Christmas is different now. It's true, the presents are fewer and I don't usually bake Christmas cookies. We have one pathetic Christmas decoration in our house -- an African nativity set -- but no Christmas tree, no stockings, no lights. We'll go to Canada on Christmas so it hardly seems worth the bother. But I understand why the decorations, the smells, the music are all so important -- we don't easily feel anticipation or excitement without them. And what is the anticipation now? That too is different. We anticipate the celebration of Jesus Christ's birth. We anticipate the reminder of our brokenness and the experience of grace, of the mysterious, strange, wonderful way God chose to show His love.
It's hard to feel joy if life isn't cooperating, regardless of what day of the year it is. I think I'll bake some cookies and burn a scented candle...
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Something new
I'm finding out that I'm not the most faithful journal keeper so I'm not sure what makes me think I'll be better online. Time will tell.
The things that stand out the most in my life right now: being married (just over 2 years) and SUCKING at it -- I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married!; being a home-owner, as of 2-and-a-half months ago, and finding it to be overwhelming and expensive; being in the strange place of pregnant-but-probably-not-for-long, if the ultrasound two weeks ago was correct; being a follower of Christ but finding myself off the path more often than not, or looking down instead of watching where I'm going, or standing still, or turned around staring at what's behind me. Overall descriptive: stuck.
The pregnancy thing has thrown me. I took the home test 3 weeks ago and a week later was told the ultrasound didn't detect a fetal heartbeat, which it should have. And so I've been waiting for "something" to happen these last two weeks. Nothing has. I was moody and struggling with depression before this, and needless to say this deviation from my expected life has not helped matters. Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound to confirm things, one way or another: miscarriage or miracle. The conclusion seems all but certain, at least this is what my rational mind wants to keep telling me, or my cynical mind, or my "don't be fooled" mind. No room for false hope in this life. But is hope false, or is it just hope? Fulfilled or unfulfilled, is it ever categorically "bad"?
What I want: Peace. Desire for life. Less selfishness. True release and trust. To live without fear of being wrong, looking foolish, feeling depressed, messing up. All of these things I can survive, I have survived, so why do I somehow think they will kill me if they continue to happen or if people find them out?
What I don't want: to look foolish, to be wrong, to mess up, to feel depressed forever.
All I can do is keep walking, keep waking up, keep following one step at a time. And with every error or failure or imperfection, I can give thanks for a God who is right and good and just and merciful.
Does it have to be harder than that? I admit, sometimes (often) I feel like God expects more of me, that He is constantly disappointed. He has every right to be. If I commit to doing something for him and then only do it half-way or for half a day, how does he view it? Is he an all-or-nothing God, a black-and-white cut-and-dry God who doesn't take half-ass attempts? Do or do not, but do not try? Or does he use a sliding-scale to evaluate, saying this effort is good enough for one but not even close for another? Does he give credit for work even if the final answer is wrong? Can the God of the universe possibly be less demanding, less exacting, less desirous of complete obedience than I am? It seems preposterous.
And I have no answer except the one I am reminded of in church and by friends: God is just that demanding, just that holy and righteous. And he sent his son to meet the standard. Because nobody else could.
What does that mean, other than I should be EXTREMELY and eternally and overwhelmingly grateful to him for doing that?? How can I obsess about so many other things? Why do I allow myself to be overwhelmed by anything else? And I do. So my prayer tonight is to not be overwhelmed, now or when I wake or when I arrive at the radiologist office or when I find out the results. Or when I go to work or return home. I pray for peace, for real peace that surpasses understanding, that surpasses my own pathetic abilities, that overwhelms my habitual state of anxiety and self-absorption. And to that prayer, I say Amen.
The things that stand out the most in my life right now: being married (just over 2 years) and SUCKING at it -- I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married!; being a home-owner, as of 2-and-a-half months ago, and finding it to be overwhelming and expensive; being in the strange place of pregnant-but-probably-not-for-long, if the ultrasound two weeks ago was correct; being a follower of Christ but finding myself off the path more often than not, or looking down instead of watching where I'm going, or standing still, or turned around staring at what's behind me. Overall descriptive: stuck.
The pregnancy thing has thrown me. I took the home test 3 weeks ago and a week later was told the ultrasound didn't detect a fetal heartbeat, which it should have. And so I've been waiting for "something" to happen these last two weeks. Nothing has. I was moody and struggling with depression before this, and needless to say this deviation from my expected life has not helped matters. Tomorrow morning I have another ultrasound to confirm things, one way or another: miscarriage or miracle. The conclusion seems all but certain, at least this is what my rational mind wants to keep telling me, or my cynical mind, or my "don't be fooled" mind. No room for false hope in this life. But is hope false, or is it just hope? Fulfilled or unfulfilled, is it ever categorically "bad"?
What I want: Peace. Desire for life. Less selfishness. True release and trust. To live without fear of being wrong, looking foolish, feeling depressed, messing up. All of these things I can survive, I have survived, so why do I somehow think they will kill me if they continue to happen or if people find them out?
What I don't want: to look foolish, to be wrong, to mess up, to feel depressed forever.
All I can do is keep walking, keep waking up, keep following one step at a time. And with every error or failure or imperfection, I can give thanks for a God who is right and good and just and merciful.
Does it have to be harder than that? I admit, sometimes (often) I feel like God expects more of me, that He is constantly disappointed. He has every right to be. If I commit to doing something for him and then only do it half-way or for half a day, how does he view it? Is he an all-or-nothing God, a black-and-white cut-and-dry God who doesn't take half-ass attempts? Do or do not, but do not try? Or does he use a sliding-scale to evaluate, saying this effort is good enough for one but not even close for another? Does he give credit for work even if the final answer is wrong? Can the God of the universe possibly be less demanding, less exacting, less desirous of complete obedience than I am? It seems preposterous.
And I have no answer except the one I am reminded of in church and by friends: God is just that demanding, just that holy and righteous. And he sent his son to meet the standard. Because nobody else could.
What does that mean, other than I should be EXTREMELY and eternally and overwhelmingly grateful to him for doing that?? How can I obsess about so many other things? Why do I allow myself to be overwhelmed by anything else? And I do. So my prayer tonight is to not be overwhelmed, now or when I wake or when I arrive at the radiologist office or when I find out the results. Or when I go to work or return home. I pray for peace, for real peace that surpasses understanding, that surpasses my own pathetic abilities, that overwhelms my habitual state of anxiety and self-absorption. And to that prayer, I say Amen.
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