Post-EVENT post

To all of you who prayed for THE EVENT, I want to say thank you. Your prayers saved us from disaster. Parts of the conference were very good and only a few things were outright bad. Overall, I would term it a success...So how do I feel now that it's two days behind me? Relieved? Joyful? Unburdened? Perhaps a bit of all of those things, but more prominent is this: I am depressed. I had no idea it would feel this way -- the let down, the stillness, the exhaustion, the remembrance of all things that were less than perfect, the meetings that never materialized, the friends who are gone.

My sister-in-law told my husband that post-event depression can rival postpartum depression in its intensity...I don't know if there's any truth in that or if she just made it up in an attempt to make Richard and me feel better, but I'm going to cling to it as medical fact.

Of course, the depression will surely not last long. There is very little time for stillness. Today I have meetings from 9 to 5, tomorrow I go to Chicago to meet with a potential partner, Friday it's off to Grand Rapids to facilitate a workshop for a current partner, etc. etc. etc. Perhaps the question I ought to ask myself is whether or not busy-ness is an adequate antidote to depression or merely a covering-up of what is and always will be there until I deal with that which lies deeper than the surface-level anxiety. Maybe next week I'll have time to think about it.

Ramblings the Sunday before THE EVENT

I made a brilliant decision to have a bunch of out-of-towners to my house for dinner tomorrow night. Sarcasm, you ask? Yes, in part, but it WAS brilliant because it forced me to clean my house. I washed floors, scrubbed bathrooms, rearranged furniture...Haven't quite dusted yet, or cleaned all the mirrors, or changed my sheets. But its good enough for dinner guests. I also sang at church this weekend, meaning I was at church Saturday from 4:30 to 7pm and today from 7am to noon. And all this the weekend before THE EVENT. I'm grateful to have had a busy weekend so I didn't have to sit around feeling guilty for not getting more work done.

I have issues. I think I've mentioned that before.

Mom, I know I need to call you. I'm sorry, I'm going through one of my phone-phobic or anti-talking or "damn the man" phases.

We talked last week at small group about prophecies and what it looks like when God fulfills His prophecies. This week at church, the sermon was about God's promise to Abraham. I've been thinking about this off and on for a while -- the question of what God really has promised to us, and whether I believe in it, and whether I understand (can anyone understand?) what God really means by the promises we like to claim from the Bible. He doesn't promise we won't fail or hurt or royally screw up or make people mad at us or get lost or sink into depression. Does He? Do You, Lord? And so I'm struggling to know exactly what I should trust God for, or expect from Him. It's one of those things that I don't necessarily have to know, that maybe I'll never know. And yet I want to.

So the connection to THE EVENT, of course, is that a big part of me expects failure and is ready to be disappointed -- or to not be overwhelmed with God's power and goodness. My therapist advised me last week to be "open to the possibility of success," to not so expect to fail that I can't even recognize success. God, I really and truly do not care about succeeding personally with this event -- I want it to be glorifying to You. Make it good, Lord, for Your sake. I give it to You now and (without fully knowing what I mean by this) trust You with the outcomes, whatever they are. I trust they'll be to Your glory, and that will be success. Amen.

T-8 (or is it T-9?)

Time is flying and THE EVENT is rapidly approaching. I swing from moments of panic to utter indifference to giddy excitement to fatalistic despair. And that's just today. Really, though, the preparations are coming along. The major prayer request at this point would be for the organization overall to come to some sort of understanding and agreement about what is good and allowable right now, what is worth exploring for the future, and what is definitely of value and to be pursued moving forward. Clear as mud? How about these:

• Pray for me to be patient and filled with grace for my staff. I want them to deliver everything perfectly and yesterday. They think they should be able to go on with the rest of their lives. I say their lives will be waiting for them Oct. 21.
• Pray for Richard to be patient and loving, to not resent how busy I am, to not take it personally that I am away from home so much these next couple of weeks. Pray that the time we have together would be sweet and rich and meaningful.
• Pray for the speakers, musicians, workshop leaders, and all the other staff and guests who have various responsibilities at the event. Pray for them to be carried by God's spirit, to move gracefully through the event space, to be radiant with joy and assurance, to love one another.

Thank you, friends. I really do value your prayers. I desperately need them. We all do.