Answered

Well the question of whether or not I'd be pregnant for long was answered -- I had a second ultrasound Tuesday that showed no change. Last night, I took some drugs to catch my body up to that reality. And so the end begins, until the next beginning.

I look forward to this month being over, to this whole year finally ceasing. I am so very tired of 2006, and I can only expect (pray, hope, believe for no rational reason) that 2007 will be better. I will turn 30 soon, so it will even be the start of a new decade for me. Gosh that sounds fantastic.

To anyone who does not understand or appreciate sarcasm, I apologize and hereby recommend that you find another blog to frequent.

And Christmas is in just 4 days...I used to get so excited about Christmas, about the presents under the tree, about the stuffed stockings and smell of pine and warm pumpkin bread. I used to bake Christmas cookies with my mom the week before Christmas, and I remember eating the cookie dough and thinking it was the best thing in the world. We would make dozens and dozens of cookies to give away in cute tins or special holiday bags. I remember going to Christmas eve service with her and my sister -- my father stopped going somewhere along the way -- and holding my own candle as the congregation sang "Silent Night." It was the most beautiful thing. Then we'd drive around our neighborhood and drink in the decorative lights, the candles glowing in paper bags. There was joy in it all, anticipation, excitement.

Christmas is different now. It's true, the presents are fewer and I don't usually bake Christmas cookies. We have one pathetic Christmas decoration in our house -- an African nativity set -- but no Christmas tree, no stockings, no lights. We'll go to Canada on Christmas so it hardly seems worth the bother. But I understand why the decorations, the smells, the music are all so important -- we don't easily feel anticipation or excitement without them. And what is the anticipation now? That too is different. We anticipate the celebration of Jesus Christ's birth. We anticipate the reminder of our brokenness and the experience of grace, of the mysterious, strange, wonderful way God chose to show His love.

It's hard to feel joy if life isn't cooperating, regardless of what day of the year it is. I think I'll bake some cookies and burn a scented candle...