This weekend, I attended my first women's retreat. There are reasons I avoided them in the past: I don't like crowds, I can't stand forced interaction, I hate the way the focus is inevitably on women as housewives and moms, and I don't like a lot of women. But my dear friend Beaner and I agreed to go together, so on Friday I had no choice but to get in the car with her and drive to Lancaster, PA. I should have realized that Beaner would know far more women there than I would, that she's been to 6 or 7 of these retreats, and that she's far better than I am at pretending to be an extrovert. I used to feel very uncomfortable as an introvert, but I have mostly embraced it now and will only try to be extroverted in special situations or when I'm inebriated.
That being said, this weekend was way outside my comfort zone. I don't mind that -- I tend not to feel uncomfortable so much as I feel numb and wait for it to end.
Some highlights: getting to know 3 or 4 women whom I only knew in passing before, and finding I would love to spend more time with them; attending a seminar on healing prayer that is leading me to seriously consider pursuing healing prayer at my church (or at least to start writing out the things I think I may need healing from); watching Beaner and a group of women do "praise hula" to the song "Amazing Love/I'm Forgiven" -- it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
This weekend came at a good time for me. I've been feeling particularly tempted in one area of life and it was beginning to erode my faith. I pray this weekend will be the start of God giving me the strength I need to be wise, to resist temptation, to continue following Him rather than turning away as I'm so prone to do. Remarkably prone. It is what I know how to do better than anything -- obedience and perseverence are much more difficult, much more foreign.
We drove home today as heavy snow (for the mid-Atlantic) fell. It was beautiful, it made me glad to be alive, which I don't often feel. Something about snow-covered trees and white-topped rowhouses makes me happy.
I hope and pray for God's protection and healing -- Richard is away this week, in Egypt, and already I feel lonely and bored and ready to do something destructive to keep the feelings away. Strange. I do not really understand myself. One of the teachings this weekend was about being fully known by God, and that when we get to heaven we will finally know who we were truly created to be. God reveals that to us in this life as well, but we only learn it in bits and pieces, as we are faithful to ask and listen. I want to do more of that -- asking and listening to God about who He has created me to be, and who He really is.
This post is a little scattered, I apologize. I feel scattered.
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1 comment:
Sounds like a really good retreat overall. It was brave of you to go at all!
I'm constantly amazed at the intense whirlpool of restlessness that is inside me. When I sit still for too long I feel like I'm going to burst. It's not exactly the same as how you're feeling with Richard gone, but I hear you on wanting to avoid all of that with whatever has 'worked' in the past.
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