For my husband: first movement

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for the past year or so. (Let's be honest: I've been seeing this psychotherapist for a year...there were others before her.) One of her favorite "tools" is affirmations -- she believes that if we recite affirmations to ourselves, things that we want to be true about ourselves but that we do not believe are true, we will become capable of growing into those truths. The affirmation she instructed me to speak as of Wednesday: "I used to be a self-destructive person. I'm not like that anymore." Self-destruction is a strange thing. Why would anyone want to destroy herself? Why so much pent-up self-hatred? I don't know if it's even self-hatred or just a fear of being ordinary, a powerful attraction to dysfunction to escape the frightening reality that I am nothing special, just like everyone else, nothing worth concerning yourself over. Any way you look at it, it's a little pathetic. But any way you look at it, the self-destructive tendencies exist and they are strong.

Over the years, they have presented themselves in different ways: drug and alcohol misuse, eating disorders, damaging relationships. And the toll it takes is frequent bouts with depression and frequent seeking out of new or recycled self-destructive habits. As I said, it's a little pathetic.

The difference now is that I'm married. My husband, understandably, is not convinced that self-destruction is the right path to take (and of course, on a conscious level, I am not convinced either, but we're not talking about conscious thought processes at the moment). Richard wants to see me happy and healthy. He wants me to be free to live. He doesn't ever worry about me being ordinary or normal -- he knows who I am and he still loves me. Why? Why would God make us all to be so small, so insignificant, so fleeting, and yet love us and give us significance? And how could I not doubt this beautiful truth?

Richard, I love you. I thank you for caring so deeply about me, although I don't understand why. I pray you will have patience and perseverence and continue to believe that I am worth concerning yourself over. I don't expect it's an easy thing to do. I'm trying to live and I find it difficult and confusing and more than a little pointless sometimes, but I'm trying. And I do love you.