odds and ends and in the dog-house

Lucky and I had company this week -- a couple (from a partner church in Oregon) that is preparing to move to Burundi to serve as partnership coordinators/communications people. They were great; we really connected with them. It was refreshing to be with another couple that shares a lot in common with us -- the husband was cynical and a little dark like me, but also a dreamer and a bit scatter-brained like Lucky. The wife was more detail-oriented, liked her space, and was eager to walk fast with me to work -- we bonded instantly.

Okay, I officially have to stop referring to my husband as Lucky. It's just not working for me. I am going to have to reveal his real name. Richard. There.

Richard arrived home from Egypt last Sunday night. Our visitors arrived the night before, so we didn't have any time to ourselves. Then Richard came down with a bug of some sort (cold/flu) and was down for the count starting Wednesday. I tend to be less-than-full-of-mercy when Richard gets sick. I always think to myself, "He had cancer, for goodness' sake. Why is he complaining so much about a cold? It'll be gone tomorrow." I'm getting better at letting him be sick and at having sympathy for him, but it's still not a great strength for me. Richard was hurt this week by my lack of attention and care -- I didn't call him a lot, I didn't bring him dinner Thursday night when he asked me to, I went to happy hour after work yesterday instead of coming straight home. It's true: I'm a terrible wife. I cannot deny it.

The unfortunate (or maybe it's fortunate?) reality is that I am largely motivated by guilt. Richard pointed this out to me when we first got married. The other reality is that Richard can be passive-aggressive. He doesn't tell me he's upset until it's too late for a simple apology and I feel like I should flog myself. I know he doesn't do this on purpose, and I also know that I should be more attuned to his feelings. Good thing we have our whole lives to figure out this marriage thing.

I just received an email from my boss's boss saying I should have introduced her to our visitors and let her spend some time with them. So glad she decided to tell me after they were long gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

It's interesting how fragile we all are. How disappointed we make each other. How hard it can be to express our needs and see how the other person responds. I think I deny that I have any needs, like it's easier to come across as self-sufficient and strong even if it makes me bitter and repressed. Richard knows me too well to believe that I am self-sufficient, but I still like to pretend I am at times. He gives and gives and I take without thinking about it, and then he gets upset that I don't give nearly so much back when he needs me to. I take him for granted. May God change me to love him better...