Battles

Another weekend ending, a new week about to begin. Somebody asked me today if I was ready for it, and I said I felt like I was going into battle. Not that I've ever fought in a battle and know what that would actually feel like. I would hate to be a soldier, to have to rely on my strength and speed and my ability to make decisions under extreme pressure. Fortunately, my battle is only metaphorical.

We had a relatively quiet weekend, both of us in Baltimore with no plans to leave the country for a while. I wasn't very easy to get along with this weekend. I was hermit-like on Saturday and had become depressed by mid-afternoon. Today was a little better, started out with a jog and was non-stop activity until we came home with dinner. But we were both in bad moods by that point -- we had disagreed about what to eat and I think R had just had enough of me. He gave into my desires, as he's prone to do, but he wasn't happy about it. Then he got into a minor yelling match with a guy in a white Lincoln who accused R of cutting him off. Fortunately, nobody got out of their cars and no guns were pulled and I managed to keep my eyes on the copy of Citypaper I was flipping through.

So I am reminded that Richard's patience is not without end. He gives and gives, but it does wear him down. I do wear him down.

This weekend I confessed to R that my eating issues have been problematic of late, which he of course figured but it was nice to come clean. I also confessed that I've been utilizing the anti-anxiety medication pretty regularly, that perhaps I don't trust myself to have it. It wouldn't be a problem except that I think it's helping the depression to creep back into my life and it makes me quite tired most days, even the days I don't take it. I've glimpsed too much hope to slide back into depression now. So R will hold onto those meds for me; I'd like not to rely on it anymore. It's too easy to numb the discomfort and fear.

So I'm praying that I'll be giving R something more than a half-empty bottle of pills; hopefully, I'll give him back myself. Hopefully, I'll continue the battle for true life.